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“I would die if I had to eat like you” “I bet all the food tastes like cardboard” “Its lucky you live at a time with so many options!” “Just one bite won’t hurt” “But what do you eat”
Do any of these sound familiar? And how many more could you add to the list
How do you feel when someone says these things? Low key annoyed? Kinda ticked off? Like you want to avoid putting yourself in a situation where you have to hear that again? Sad? Misunderstood?
Why the heck do people say these things? And why is it always the same generic statements? Was there a memo sent out of awkward things to say to a person with a restricted diet?
I want to play with this a little and sit with these questions to see where they are coming from. Want to join me on a journey of compassion and understanding? (Not just for the dumb question askers either – plot twist, we’re gonna look at a little compassion for you too)
Food is a huge thing culturally and socially. Its what connects us to memories, family, friends and the community at large.
The thing is, we really don’t think about how important food is until we can’t have it anymore.
Once your diet becomes restricted through allergies and intolerances, then you become profoundly familiar with how much food effects your life and health.
But can you recall a time before, when you could eat freely?
You walked through that potluck or the buffet line filling your plate with whatever looked good without a care in the world. No questions asked. (How wild does that sound now?)
Now imagine carefree pre diagnosis you, sees a friend off to the sidelines, standing there staring at the food… or chatting with other people and they don’t have a plate.
Maybe you offer to grab them something, or you ask why they don’t have a plate. You’re at a social event! You’re chatting, making conversation, everything is on a good note. An emotional high if you will.
Then your friend responds back “I can’t eat this because ________’
How do you feel at this moment in time?
Do you feel awkward? You just offered something to someone who literally can’t eat…
Do you feel pity? They’ve gotta be hungry, they’re surrounded by delicious things. This must be torture for them to be around!
Do you just feel uncomfortable in general?
How did that foot taste when you put it in your mouth?
Newsflash… we don’t like having crappy uncomfortable emotions. Especially when they are unanticipated and don’t match the rest of the surroundings or how we should be feeling.
Up until the point that you asked this question, you were having a great time and everything was at a high point. This person’s simple and honest answer has totally killed your buzz. Not through any fault of theirs, heck you’re probably feeling a little guilty about bringing it up.
So how do you respond to this unexpected and icky negative emotion?
You try to ‘turn that frown upside down’ in a few ways. None of which are helpful, but given the lack of prep time, your knee jerk reaction is going to be regrettably dumb… and likely will lead to even more awkwardness…
To try to get that negative emotion to leave quickly people often try to make light of it by making what passes for a joke (cardboard food, I would die if I ate like that, etc)
People who feel pity offer solutions (thankful for a time when there are more options available, at least its not (insert any number of things here) , etc)
And others… others just really don’t get it (just one bite won’t kill you) and in this case it might be a good opportunity for a learning moment if they truly don’t understand.
But here’s the kicker… if you’re annoyed by these questions, its not their fault.
If you find yourself seriously triggered by it, its on you.
Tough love time, but this will make all the difference in the world going forward and I hope that it will help you have compassion for yourself as well.
When someone says something dumb about your diet, and you feel triggered, this isn’t because they said something dumb out of awkwardness and/or pity for your situation.
The reason you feel upset, annoyed, or hurt, is because there is a part of you that believes that their awkwardness and pity is justified. (Ouch)
When you feel the sadness/isolation/embarassment – any negative emotion – about not being part of the social engagement, then yes you will feel hurt when someone makes light of it or tries to offer solutions when there isn’t one. You’ll feel hurt, annoyed, embarrassed or awkward – everything unpleasant.
And when you have a negative emotion in response to the dumb thing that was just said… how are you going to respond? You’re going to try to make it go away quickly too… because you’re as good at awkward as they are. Turns out humans aren’t that great with human emotion sometimes.
Maybe you’ll direct your negative emotions toward the person, or toward social situations in general that involve food. Somehow it’ll be their fault that you’re feeling the way you feel.
Maybe you’ll feel angry (at your diet) and then angry at the person. Maybe you’ll feel embarrassed and then isolate yourself further. Maybe you’ll feel hurt when someone makes light of it because you’re truly hurting inside just being there, let alone having someone make a mockery of your reality.
When really? You’re responsible for you.
There is nothing wrong with the way they felt.
There is nothing wrong with the way you feel.
Could this person have responded to their awkward feelings better? Sure! And next time they’re in this situation they might respond a little differently. After the initial shock has worn off and they have time to process.
Next time they meet someone who can’t eat they’ll likely say “Oh, I have a friend who can’t eat that too!”
But let’s let them do them, and let’s let you do you.
How much better does it feel when we introduce curiosity into the equation?
If instead of responding with annoyance toward a person when they ask something dumb, or avoidance of social situations, what if you could direct curiosity toward yourself?
Why did that bother me so much?
Why is that a big deal?
Have I allowed myself to grieve the loss of the things I’ve lost? (Because don’t sell yourself short… it is most definitely a loss)
Is there another way that I can view my situation?
Own your feelings. Recognize them. Question them. Sit with the awkward emotions. Because in the awkwardness is where we can experience the most healing and growth.
If you can give yourself the space to feel the emotion, recognize it, identity it, and explore it, you’re going to learn so so much.
Give yourself some love! And save a little for the dumb question askers too.
Can’t do gluten? Me neither. Let’s be friends. With benefits. Meal planning benefits. If you could use a little help getting easy dinners on the table I am your girl! Check back here weekly, or have it sent to your inbox by clicking here. I hope I can join you on your healing journey.
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